Panic without the Disco
On July 8, 2020 by Speranza
Once more a long time has passed since my last posting here but we are still in Covid mode, still trying to adjust to whatever the “new normal” (hate that phrase) brings. Not sure why there has been such a gap, but rather than using this pandemic time to learn a new language, or restore my body to its former Olympian glory (ha) I just don’t seem to have it in me to take on a project of any kind and writing has seemed futile and meaningless.
Nothing profound has happened that I can point to but there have been a multitude of small setbacks and losses here and there over the last months that have had a cumulative effect and I am finding that I often wake early with that kind of looming, swirling anxious dread that brings forward terrible truths about how much life is left, the memory of what it is like to be truly alone – and the knowledge that anything can happen at any time, which is sometimes good, sometimes not – as well as the very real sense of how much pain there is going on in the world right now. It’s hard to focus on everyday things that can seem so banal in the face of everything else (what, chicken again, when I have a library of cookbooks and the internet?) yet what else can we do? I have always believed that we can only affect our own little local sphere and that we certainly should try to do that daily and that hopefully, the subsequent goodness goes out to make something much bigger, better as a whole. Some might find this too quaint or simplistic and I would ask those people what else can we really do to influence anything — aside from being kind, doing our best and writing emails/letters to those who have the heft to instigate changes? Of course, I know it is much easier to be kind and altruistic when one is not desperate to feed and clothe a family whilst working two jobs and consumed with rage and frustration from years of trying to get traction. That kind of anguish and rage is corrosive and long lasting and I feel it emanating from the news daily.
It’s hard to write about anxiety even though it has become trendy these days but for me, it’s still quite a personal thing although I realize now that I have had it all my life. In an effort to change that (rather than truly accept it which would be ideal) I have made it my business to read anything I can from Buddhist writers to poets to shamelessly rooting about in some of the better New Age crap literature, anything that will provide a tool and more importantly, offer comfort and proof that other people also feel this way. There is often a kernel of help in each, for sure, yet once more when I am in the thick of it I seem to forget everything I have ever learned. I forget to take deep breaths, I forget it will pass, I forget that it is not coming from “somewhere outside” but rather, I am bringing it on myself. I also forget it was JUST like this the last time I had it. I also forget to “watch my thoughts.” I do always appreciate that Buddhist image of the “monkey mind” which likens the build-up of anxiety to one wild thought quickly leading to another like a monkey swinging from branch to branch at top speed. (Insert a few chimpanzee screams here for good measure – I do, though not literally of course, although there was that one time …)
I have been extremely fortunate in my life to have many friends – usually on the sensitive artsy side, usually brave souls who have seen some serious strife – who completely understand when I mention being anxious with a capital ‘A’. (Which by the way can often instantly diffuse it, on the spot). When I was much younger, I made it something to be ashamed of and definitely a sign of weakness but I am much, much wiser now about it, not so terribly, British-stoic and really try to befriend these feelings when they arise, to see why they originated. (Spoiler alert: Sometimes there is NO reason …)
I leave you with the brilliantly calming and beautiful Sylvia Boorstein. She is one of my very favourite wisdom sources, offering sensible, intelligent counsel.
(Also, if you are reading, love that necklace Sylvia!)
Yikes, I wake up the same way (but not at an early hour) con templating my time left, and just after attempting to acquire a deep appreciation of my life and how it is going at this moment, frantically and mindlessly wandering off to the thought of what disaster may/will occur in the next 24 hours. What is it with us humans? I have also gone back to my Buddhist readings during these Covid days and listening to the Dalai Lama online. The precepts of ‘patience and tolerance’ are certainly more important recently. And in a more cheesy Buddhist manner, I am re-reading Kerouac’s Dharma Bums. Thanks for a most insightful post.
Your long, complex sentence at the start of paragraph two seems to exemplify the roiling in your mind.
I too live with Anxiety (with a capital A) and felt like I couldn’t catch my breath after reading that sentence. Well done! Great writing.
Love to your flock of 2-legged, 4-legged and finned companions.
May I feel content …..
I have had the time during the last 4 months to slow down….not at first, but gradually I have been aware of slowing down and thinking about my life. Yesterday I remembered a friend who was very kind to me and I was not able to accept that kindness so I am feeling regret about that. Being anxious is part of it, for sure.