Getting New Material
On October 30, 2019 by Speranza
I have never been frightened of things that creep. I actually enjoy picking up (little) snakes, frogs, toads, ‘pill-bugs’ (which John Steinbeck likened to ‘tiny armadillos’, one of the best descriptors ever) caterpillars and worms. When Frasier was young, he had a bearded dragon lizard which I was the main caregiver to. I have often shunted spiders into an envelope for transport to a safer, more suitable locale if they are of a reasonable size. (There was one in the basement this week that had a startled, unpleasant facial expression and a head only slightly smaller than my own. He is still down there.)
But today, when The General and I were out looking at curtain paraphernalia in a fabric outlet store I suddenly felt an unmistakable something on my HEAD: a light, fluttering, shuffling somersault down my parting. I tried to be calm, fluffing my hair asking The General casually, then more frantically to check my head.
Thankfully, there was nothing to be seen. And after checking my hair compulsively about 36 more times (and looking more and more like a young Bon Jovi), I relaxed and went back to browsing.
Several minutes passed before I happened to look down at my naked ankle, showing between my jeans and my shoe and saw a hornet the size of a Medjool date fly out. He landed on a fabric bolt, writhing angrily back and forth, swiveling a huge triangular head to look right at me, while I felt the blood drain from my heart. I was suddenly conscious of the fact that I was screaming, leaping from foot to foot and loudly announcing my intention to remove my pants. (Was there a cone of more winged friends up there? I wondered irrationally).
The General, quite reasonably alarmed himself, tried to soothe me by saying “You’re okay! Are you okay?” unconvincingly, at intervals, then stepping it up another octave but with the same insane response.
(The fact that he had not witnessed the hornet’s descent himself and was therefore just trying to address the fact that I suddenly wanted to remove my pants in the store is, I feel, a credit to his feelings for me).
But after I had finished re-living the incident for a few hours: “Did you see the SIZE of him though?” and many times, shakily: “He was IN MY PANTS!” The General, who loves a bit of a mystery, postulated that the hornet could not possibly have tumbled from my hair all the way down through my clothing, without me feeling anything. No, the hornet may well have been on my head but when he showed himself? He had obviously been in the pant-cuff. Yes, that was it – he flew down, stowed away in the pant cuff (I’m picturing Kanga and Roo here, a much more benevolent situation) and then only appeared to have flown out from beneath.
The General was very smug after presenting this intellectual Poirot take on things and continued to butter his toast in a superior way. Which made us laugh for a very, very long time.
Readers, thank you for persevering this far.
As someone who is uncomfortable EVER being out of control and would not emit a sound after hammering a thumb (I know this, I’ve done it) I felt quite ashamed afterwards and embarrassed to say the least.
But I did wait till I got home to remove my pants and aside from an uncharacteristically small sting (which some Polysporin sorted out) all was well.
I admire your fortitude in the handling of small creepy crawlies. In our house, I am often summoned to KILL a spider and become the victim of laughter as I attempted to humanely guide it out outside. The size comparison to a Medjool date was not lost on me.
I love bugs and all manner of crawlies too (adore pill bugs) but not crawling on me. They seem to love my blood and enjoy nipping me. For huge spiders, see the railing under the Richmond north bridge ,, the dog blundered happily into their webs and those spiders are HUGE! I did a little freakout … for the dog’s benefit, of course.