Lettuce Take Care

We were talking at work the other day about the universal frustration of receiving a restaurant or deli salad only to discover that the leaves have scarcely been torn in half and worse still, the stump end of the lettuce (affectionately known as the “romaine bum” by my brother) has somehow been incorporated as well, unwanted and unattractive, a pale brown corona gleaming beneath the creamy dressing.

It’s as though this is perfectly acceptable. It’s all lettuce, yes?

Who’s doing this?!

And, just to clear up any confusion, I have even experienced this at very good restaurants a few times where the cutlery is not plastic, my friends.  I would never send the salad back since I don’t  want to be perceived as a princess (even though this post may suggest otherwise, I know) but I’m guilty of wanting the server to like me as well. Sticking with an airy mesclun mix course will circumvent the entire problem, but really, need this be a thing?

A similar phenomenon occurs with pizza when someone thinks that it’s okay to add those scrag ends of hot banana pepper (complete with a full stalk atop the pepper’s ‘beret’) and suddenly you have a unpleasant mouthful of what seems to be melted cheese and a steel wool chaser. I’ve had similar bad luck with that gnarly bit of sliced tomato whose fibrous nucleus has the texture of cast iron, all disguised beneath a smooth blanket of mozzarella.

Finally, who is ever pleased to flip open a deli-style salad and encounter the strong, pungency of sliced red onion cut three inches thick? Any neighbouring fruit ingredients – typically mandarin orange slices or even the lowly craisin – are now guarantors of ghastly breath for the afternoon and soundly punishes anyone who has ever wanted a virtuous lunch on-the-go.

Choose Vidalia, I say!  (Or don’t even bother!)

And to bring this full circle, how does the root end of the onion sometimes get in there?

Just saying.

2 comments